Well, since my last post, over a year ago, I’ve been through some shit! I had a mental health crisis after too much anxiety intensified and ‘pushed’ me over the edge and I was unwell for a few months. I am recovered enough to write again and have learned even more about myself.
The highrise I live in has a systemic cockroach problem that found it’s way into my apartment and then into my bedroom last summer! I had many sleepless nights and that created an unstable climate for my mental health and I began to ‘twist-up’ inside. Then, I had a slip and fall while at my part-time outdoor job and the mechanism in me began to crank closer and closer to the breaking point. There were a mirade of human-rights offences against me and after a few unpleasant encounters with staff I completely fell apart – the crank took one turn too far and the mechanism broke and the pieces flew everywhere! I had to take a couple of weeks off from work and the experience does have me wondering if I want to work out there “in the world” at all.
I have always had the ‘feelings’ or internal-sensations and had no understanding or control over them until the past few years. I felt like my mind was connected to my gut where there was this old-timey clock with a manual winding system and the constant fear I lived with had that cranked close to the breaking point. So many times throughout my life I would “fall apart” like an old watch that had been winded too tightly and that wasn’t too far from how I felt.
I could feel the twist of the clock key as it turned past the safety point and with a sudden explosion I would ‘break’ and all my ‘clock’ pieces would be scattered like debris from a car crash.
This was my state of being for over 40 years! 40 years. I cried writing that. I cried for me and how sad that is but I have come SO far in these past few years that I continue to be amazed by how happy I am and that I love myself more each passing day.
Those feelings and breaks have kept me sure I was not normal so I isolated, for days, weeks, months and years at a time; I’ve had to ‘start-over’ so many times that I thought it proved I was a “loser” but the truth is that it proved I was a fighter and I have gotten up more times than I’ve fallen down. Throughout it all I have learned some very useful skills like:
- Open Mindedness
- Dissertion & Investigation
To prevail over all the shit from my past I had to embrace what I had acquired and who I really was. Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy or quick but the journey to become my own best friend has been more rewarding than I could have imagined.
I getting a few things going on my Facebook page, I invite you to connect with me there too!
“BECOME YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND” Will feature a summary of the multitude of experiences I’ve had that brought me to becoming my own best friend. https://www.facebook.com/ItsLynAgain
W.O.W. Designs will be laundching a little online store with things to help you with some anxiety triggers.
Thanks for keeping in touch! Love, Lyn